The post that's not really about Hawaii

So I went to Hawaii.

It was ON THE WAY to Vietnam, in my defense. And I needed it so much. I went in the middle of August and stayed with my best friend Laura. Let me explain:

A few days after I had been at training in California, I was writing on the overhead helping Steph teach a lesson. It was my turn to say something, and I just panicked. My heart started racing and I though I was going to pass out. I've never felt anything like it before-- I LOVE talking in front of groups, especially groups like this where everything isn't serious! When we finished, I went back to my room and lied (my grandma said, 'only chickens lay') down.

For the next week, that scene happened again and again and one afternoon where I had run out of church because I thought I was going to faint, I seriously considered the emergency room. Nothing seemed to help, so I looked up the addresses to several clinics, and finally found one within walking distance. I went and couldn't sit still in the waiting room. I paced around or shook my leg, but when it came time for me to get my blood pressure checked, it was nurse training day (I'm not kidding) so everything took twice as long and was explained before and after it was done.

I told them I thought I was going to pass out. The nurse then announced that my blood pressure was through the roof-- and I don't know why they were shocked, I was TRYING to tell them. Sweaty, and on the verge of tears, I said, "Yeah, that's why I came to the doctor, can you help me?" They sent me to the waiting room for an hour.

I paced and anxiously went to the bathroom 10 or 15 times, just for something to do. Finally they took me in to see a doctor, who clearly needed someone to pat him on the back for his probono work at this free clinic. He casually told me I had anxiety and I'll learn to live with it. He said if I hold my hands together tightly then I won't pass out (so many sarcastic things to say about that), prescribed me betablockers, an EKG, and a blood test that I would never do as I was leaving the country in 17 hours.

After those exciting three minutes with the doctor, I went back to the waiting room for another hour of misery, while I contemplated (with disbelief, and a little contempt) this diagnosis and waited for my EKG. And if you have never had an EKG, you should get one. It's kind of hilarious. They strip you naked and stick plastic things everywhere. Then they bring out these metal clips like they're going to jump start a car-- and they start hooking them to you. Now, try having anxiety ALREADY.

I tried talking to the nurses to get my mind off of it, but they just told me to be quiet. I heard one nurse tell the other nurse in Spanish that my heart was beating too fast and it wasn't working. I don't know why they thought that saying it in another language was going to ease my mind at all (nor did they know that I'm a professional at being talked about in other languages). They finally got it and told me to get dressed.

One last funny thing about this visit was that they left a piece of paper in the room with me. It showed the rythms of my heart--which were ALL over the place--and had warnings on the sheet about an abnormal rythm and PVC's. "What?" I went out and asked the nurses about it and she said they were having trouble getting the wires hooked up because of my fast heart beat, so this print out was just a mistake. I looked at her with no expression, but inside I was screaming, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??! I'M ALREADY HAVING ANXIETY AND YOU LEAVE THIS ON TOP OF MY CLOTHES!! Ps. it turns out my heart has a normal rythm.

So, my parents had left the country at this point. They were in Guatemala delivering a cement spreader, and I was due to get on a plane to Hawaii. I cried and wondered if I was even supposed to go to Vietnam. I've never felt so helpless for control over how I feel (present tense. not better). I was scared to death to get on the plane. We prayed a LOT, but I wasn't sure what was going to happen. When I got on the plane, I actually made a little note on my journal for the flight attendent: "If I pass out, I'm OK. Just get me to Hawaii."

I can't tell you how happy I was to land, longest 6 hours I had had in a while. I was SO HAPPY to see Laura. Here she is below, with her car Sally Jo.


She didn't plan anything for us to do. She just let me relax and took care of me. I seriously prayed about whether G0d was telling me I should just stay in Hawaii and never leave... We just kind of followed her routine and made sure there was nothing extra on our plates, except the beach, some skype, pizza, apple beer, and maybe a movie or two. That doctor should've prescribed THIS.
Laura and James' dog Mollie (or is it Molly?):

Laura is the kind of friend who will take care of you when you have high blood pressure. She is also the kind of friend who will help you out if you have something in your teeth.

The flights to Vietnam were also terrifying, but at the moment, I'm doing allright. I'm still anxious and have no idea why. And actually, if one more person tells me to relax and stop worrying, I am going to scream. I am still taking betablockers and I PTL every day because I feel less anxious because I know my heart rate is slowed and I won't pass out.

In our apartment, we leave the door and windows open so the breeze cools us off. One of our first days here, the wind was strong and it took my prescription bag, bottle, pills and all and blew it off the table and onto the floor. I thought to myself, "Wow, strong wind." I casually got up to pick it up, and the wind whipped it from my grasp and sent it sailing across the floor to our apartment door.

At that moment it occurred to me that my pills were in there (total addict) and my eyes (now, the size of saucers) met Jenni's and I froze as we watched the pharmacy bag fly out into the hall on it's way to the balcony edge. With a look of terror, I lunged at the bag and caught it with my foot right as it hung between the railing and the 10th floor ledge.

I came back inside and lied down on the couch. I sighed heavily and thought about the irony of almost losing my blood pressure medicine.

It's ok to laugh.